dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
