the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize