i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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