Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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