I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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