Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
