By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
