it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
