so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
