I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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