I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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