The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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