Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
