remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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