Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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