u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
