I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Randomize
