I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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