can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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