Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
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Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
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I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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