I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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