So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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