I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
