He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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