It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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