She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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