my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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