You can't motorboat a personality
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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