I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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