Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
