I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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