Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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