My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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