Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
