i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
