weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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