way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
