I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
