oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
