I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
