I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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