My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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