Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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