I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
