Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
