I am in a vortex of obligation.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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