I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
