Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
