No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
