Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
