I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My ass is underappreciated
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
