I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Randomize
