1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Randomize
