He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
