The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
