Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
