I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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