I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
farters have to be the big spoon...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
