I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
