got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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