I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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