went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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