Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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