i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
