It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
